5 Meters of Pasta With a Unicorn Pony on Crack
by England's Porn Box
Summary: The title says it all, right?  Obviously the arguably best collection of yaoi-involved, slightly offensive, Hetalia crack-filled oneshots available!  NY and NJ residents add sales tax.
1. Say Elections, Japan

WARNING: this chapter contains incredibly mild hints on USUK if you squint.

(or if you have a mind like me!)

The 2012 Elections.

A huge event for America.

And for Alfred. F. Jones, the personification of America himself.

"Oh man, I'm so stoked!" he exclaimed to Tony as they sat in the large house. "These elections are gonna be awesome, I just know it!"

Tony nodded in agreement and ate a few burgers from the massive multi-million stack between them. America joined his friend in eating until he, for once in his existence, decided to stop.

"…Tony. I've just stopped eating burgers for what is quite possibly the first time ever. Do you realize what this means?"

Tony shook his head.

"I need to go tell Japan NOW. He'll be so proud of me!"

Not waiting for his alien friend's response, the blonde hopped up and over to the phone where he dialed his good friend Japan's number.

"Hey, hey, Japan!" America yelled into the phone as soon as it was picked up.

"O-Oh, herro Mr. America," Japan greeted.

"Ohmygosh you'll never guess what just happened!"

"You finarry repaid your debt to China and myserf?"

"Even better! I stopped eating hamburgers for the first time in like… EVER!"

"Mr. America, that is trury wonderfur news! I never thought I wourd rive to see it happen!"

"Yeah, I guess I am pretty awesome, huh?"

"…Of course."

"Also, the 2012 elections are coming up and I am soooooo stoked, dude! They're gonna be totally awesome!"

"Oh, are they coming up so soon arready?"

"Duh! Japan, man, you need to get with the program, you get what I'm sayin'?"

"…No, no I do not."

"I knew you would! So who are you gonna vote for?"

"M-Mr. America, I am not American… I cannot vote."

"Aww dude that sucks… and it takes like a billion years to become a citizen… and you have to learn more about me than I know about me! How stupid is that?"

"…Um…"

"Anyway, so what's been up with you?"

After nearly two hours of poor, torturous conversation, Japan decided he just couldn't stand it anymore.

"A-America, I rearry need to go now… my boss is carring for me…" he said nervously.

"Ah, really? That sucks. I'll talk to you later then! Oh, also, could you tell England about my non-burger-eating-ness and stuff and my election? He hasn't been picking up my calls lately… weird huh? Bye!"

And America had hung up before Japan could agree or disagree to pass the news along to the European island nation.

~*later*~

"Yes?" England said as he picked up the phone.

"Herro, Mr. Engrand, it is Japan," the Japanese man greeted politely.

"Oh, Japan, how nice of you to call! I was just wondering how you were doing."

"I am werr, thank you. And yourserf?"

A sigh was heard. "That blasted American git has been wearing me out to the bone… I've been refusing to answer his calls; I just need a break!"

Little did Japan know that the real reason for England's lack of communication with America was due to him being very tired of having a very sore arse.

"Oh, I see… I am sorry to hear that…"

"Yes, quite sad… so, not to sound rude, but was there a reason you called?"

"O-Oh, yes! America wanted me to pass along some very big news."

"Oh, god… what is it this time?"

"W-Werr, this apparentry isn't the biggest part of the news, but… he stopped eating hamburgers… temporariry, of course."

England couldn't believe his ears. "A-Are you serious, Japan?"

"Hai, I am. He just carred me to terr me. I courd not berieve it myserf."

"That… that's amazing! What could be bigger than that?"

"America's erection, apparently."

"…Pardon?"

AWESOME, RIGHT?

/shot

thanks to some random user on DeviantART's signature for this idea! And thanks to Beyond Unique Light for the title idea!

(a lot of the ideas come from my friends, so thanks guys!)

oh USUK... my OTP... how I love you so~

(but there will DEFINETELY be more pairings!)

other pairings may/will include...

FrUK, USCan, PoLiet, RoChu, Franada, GerIta, Spamano, PruAus, etc. etc.


	2. Cheese People

Rome and Germania were, like most other days, sitting around listening to the annoying brunette rant about how amazing his lady was the previous night. The blonde, per usual, was doing his best to tune out his 'friend'. He was actually succeeding for once, until he spotted something green, white and yellow moving in the corner.

"…What is that." Germania stated, not even asking.

"Eh?" Rome asked, finally stopping his never-ending description. Germania simply pointed to the… _thing _on the floor.

"Oh, the remainder of my sandwich?"

"…"

"From last week?"

"….I think I just saw it move."

"Well, it had cheese."

"…Is that supposed to explain something?"

"It explains everything!" Rome insisted, looking offended that his friend hadn't know this obviously obvious fact.

"…Uh-huh. Because cheese tells all," Germania agreed with sarcasm heavier than Rome's brain (which, in retrospect, isn't even that big.)

"Especially when it's on pasta~!"

"…A cheese and pasta sandwich?"

"Yup!"

"…Why…?"

To this, Rome simply shrugged.

Germania faceplamed. "Of course, only you would come up with something like th- MEIN GOTT WHAT ARE YOU DOING."

The Great Roman Empire picked up the possibly-used-to-be-sandwich-or-something and began eating it. "I am eating cheese, what does it look like?"

"…"

"Mmm… this is some good cheese!"

"You're disgusting."

"You know what I'm gonna do?"

"Not at all."

"I'm gonna name one of my grandsons after this cheese!"

Faceplam number two.

"Ahh, I can see him now… Little Romano!"

And, without another word, Germania got up and walked away before another of his brain cells were destroyed.

"Cheese people!" Rome called after him.

Thus, Romano was named after cheese.

And, due to South Italy being named after cheese, all citizens of South Italy have been called Cheese People ever since.

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><p>this chapter was inspired by a number of things...<p>

first, in English today, my friend Joshua was thinking of a name for our table group. I don't remember what it was exactly, but it meant "Cheese People" in Latin. so we went with it.

so, I got home today and told Ash (Beyond Unique Light) about this.

...and I kinda just stole it

:D

(with permission)

(sort of)

**also,** don't expect me to update this often... I'm super busy with school (I'm a freshman this year!) so yeaaaah

thanks for reading!

please review - if you do, I'll include a 100% YAOI CHAPTER!


	3. Hot KoolAid Chronicles 1

It was a normal day in the North American household – Canada was flipping flapjacks for brunch, America was still groggy from waking up minutes earlier, Kumajiro was having a spot of memory loss, and Tony was playing video games. But it wasn't as normal as it seemed.

America, instead of making his normal pot of coffee for himself, had made a pot of hot Kool-Aid. Why? Well, keep in mind that he was a half-asleep walking zombie.

So Canada, poor kid, was just sitting there drenching his pancakes in maple syrup when the still-not-fully-awake America completely assaulted him with demands to drink his hot Kool-Aid.

"Mornin' bro!" the taller blonde greeted happily, his eyes only half-open.

"Good morning, Alfred," the shorter replied politely before returning to his mapley mountain.

"I made a pot of Kool-Aid!" Alfred exclaimed suddenly, looking very proud of himself.

"A-America… you don't make a _pot _of _Kool-Aid_…" Matthew whispered.

"The hero does!"

"…Is it hot?

"Duh!"

"…"

"Drink it! It's made of awesomeness (probably) because I made it with my heroic awesomeness!"

"N-No thank y-"

"MATTIE, DRINK MY HOT KOOL-AID AND ALL IT'S AMAZINGNESS! THEN YOU CAN BE MORE AWESOME AND LESS INVISIBLE!"

"I'd rather eat my pa-"

"CANADA. I MADE THIS FOR YOU."

"B-But Alfred…"

More or less fake tears began forming in the American's eyes, clearly hurt to the core by his brother's rejection. That is, until, he got a brilliant idea.

He danced over to his brother's plate of pancakes and poured his entire pot of hot Kool-Aid on them. "Yay, the hero fixed it!"

"A-Alfred!" Matthew exclaimed, clearly legitly hurt by the destruction of his fluffy masterpieces.

"YAY I'M THE HERO!" America yelled triumphantly before running around the house in his Superman boxers screaming about how proud Iggy would be.

* * *

><p>2 chapters in one day? what's the world coming to.<p>

I actually had this idea a while ago, and decided I'd better get it down before I forgot about it

(or didn't have time)

BUT

THIS IS ONLY ONE OF MANY HOT KOOL-AID ONESHOTS TO COME

MUAHAHAHA

based off of the Hot Kool Aid video by Julian Smith

(who is AWESOME)

and remember - reviews = 100% yaoi chapter!


	4. Angry Birds

It was around 1640, and a young Alfred was playing with his big brother England. England had brought his colony some new models of the Royal Navy ships, which the boy had loved. They walked down to a river and launched them. After lunch, England made some tea for them. Predictably, Alfred had no interest, but rather decided to chase some robins. He sneakily kept one in his coat, hiding it from his brother. But after hours of playing, England had to return to his home country.

"Engwand, do you have to go?" Alfred asked, gripping his mentor's pant leg.

"Yes, I'm sorry Alfred, but I have lots of things to do. I'll be back later, alright?" the Brit promised.

Tears welled up in his colony's eyes. "Please don't go!"

England smiled sadly. "I have to, Alfred. I'll come see you again before you know it!"

And with that, the busy Englishmen boarded one of the full-sized navy ships and was off. Alfred wouldn't let himself cry; men didn't cry! Instead, he pulled the nearly-suffocated bird from his coat and threw it. The bird, finally free, cried in triumph and flew away, hitting a pig on a nearby ship on its way. Alfred's eyes lit up as an idea struck him.

"That bird looked kinda angry when it hit the pig…" he mumbled.

He looked to the trees, where a dozen robins were sitting. He then began thinking of a more efficient way to throw them. But his small brain didn't like thinking so much. He sat down on a rock and began doodling in the dirt with a forked stick. He examined the stick closely, and found a spider web between the two forks. A bee buzzed lazily towards him and got caught in the spider web. It pulled back, and was suddenly launched forward. And thus Alfred discovered the power of the slingshot.

He ran back to his house and grabbed all the supplies he would need – paper, cardboard, crayons, tape, building blocks, paint, a rubber band, and ping pong balls. He first took the cardboard and made a stand for it before coloring it with a sky background. Then he rolled some paper into balls and taped them closed, making somewhat-spheres. He painted them green (because pigs are totally green) and gave them faces. He decided they all needed to be different – like the soldiers England had made him. One face looked normal, one had a helmet, one was bigger than the rest with a moustache, and one was the king with a crown.

He used the same stick, putting a rubber band around the forks. He set up the blocks in a castle formation, strategically placing the pigs. Then he painted the ping pong ball red, giving it a face as well. He put the bird in his new slingshot and shot it at the pigs, knocking them all down in one go.

"All right!" he exclaimed. He scribbled down the formation on a piece of paper, along with how to set it up. Pretty soon, he had an entire list of rules and a whole game.

"Angry Birds, Angry Birds!" he yelled happily as he continued to test out new formations. He couldn't wait to show England!

_Present Day_

"Aw, England, dude!" America yelled as he threw his friend's door open.

"Bloody hell, America!" England exclaimed, startled into poking himself with his needle. "Look what you made me do!"

"Forget that, look at this!"

America promptly shoved his iPhone in England's face, where he was playing Angry Birds – which had recently become the hottest app on the market.

"Remember that game with the birds and pigs I made up when I was little? This is it! It's super popular!" he exclaimed, looking like he might explode from joy.

"How could I forget?" England mumbled. "You pelted me with those stupid birds until I had to wear an eye patch!"

America smiled proudly. "Oh man that was so fun! I'm so happy!"

England rolled his eyes and went back to his needle work. But before he could get in another stich, America waltzed over and gave his ex-mentor a smooch on the lips, still looking happy as can be. England blushed furiously, unable to speak for a moment.

"W-What the hell, Alfred?" he nearly yelled. America just laughed and continued to smile as if he kissed the love of his life for the first time every day. England, blushing and furious (despite the fact that he loved the kiss), snatched up his pirate sword and started chasing his new lover.

"You damn wanker!" he yelled as America ran out of the house, barely paying attention to anything other than his own laugh and Angry Birds.

* * *

><p>okay<p>

pick a pairing for a yaoi chapter from the list below (no others will be added):

USxUK (or UKxUS), FrUK, Franada (FrancexCanada), PruAus, USCan, PoLiet, SuFin


	5. Author's Note

Sorry for the author's note, and for the lack of updates recently…

But I need to know one very important thing: which pairing am I writing a yaoi chapter for?

It'll be a long, serious chapter, not like these other ones. I've narrowed it down to three pairings, each with their own plot. I'm not open to other options unless you have a pretty dang kickass idea.

Pairings + mini-plots:

**USUK**

America and England start in the meeting room during a world conference. It all starts when America accidentally bumps England's thigh when reaching for his pencil. After that he starts basically harassing England by squeezing his thighs throughout the meeting without anyone noticing. After the meeting England can't take it anymore and starts kissing America, trying to actually be on top for once. He fails miserably, of course, but it still starts something beautiful.

**USCan**

America and Canada are at America's house for a scary movie marathon. Canada comes over in the morning so they can pick out movies together. However, before they can even get to the movies, Canada finds himself wanting America, who is being an oblivious idiot (per usual). It ends with Canada giving America a little geography lesson.

**FrUK**

England wakes up and finds himself naked next to France one morning. He has a total meltdown and doesn't talk to France for almost two weeks. Eventually, France sneaks into England's house and begs for England to see him again. Lots of fluff and tsundere!England.

Those are your options, unless someone gives me a REALLY awesome idea. Sorry if you don't like any of the pairings… but it's really hard for me personally to write yaoi unless I have a specific idea. You can't just give me a pairing and tell me to write… sorry…

But whichever one you do pick I will do my best to write well and make it sexy/fluffy and amazing!

Leave a comment with your vote~


	6. How the Earth Came to Be

_**WARNING:** _**the following content may be OFFENSIVE to some readers - namely very religious ones.**

**THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER IS TOTAL CRACK AND DOES NOT IN ANY WAY REFLECT THE AUTHOR'S RELIGIOUS OR WORLDLY VIEWS.**

* * *

><p>Many people in modern society believe the world to be created by God, or Gods, or by some scientific way, such as The Big Bang.<p>

When, in reality, none of those are correct.

I will tell you the true story of how the Earth came to be.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a huge lonely rock floating through space. The rock's name was Earth, and it had no friends. Until one day, aliens, each from a different galaxy, found Earth floating along, looking all sad.

The first alien, America, said, "Earth, you must be really thirsty, have some water."

And thus, America coughed up all the water in his body – and the oceans were formed.

The second alien, England, said, "Earth, I'm sure you'd like to breathe, so have an atmosphere."

And then oxygen existed.

The third alien, Spain, said, "Earth, you're going to drown in all that water; here's some land! Do you want a churro~?"

And so the continents were created. And tomatoes, among other plants. And churros, apparently…

The forth alien, Italy, said, "Vee, Earth, it's really dark and cold here… I know, I'll light it up and make it warm!"

And the sun was born.

The fifth alien, Canada, whispered, "Earth, you seem lonely, here's some friends for you."

And then animals began to live with Earth.

The sixth alien, China, said, "Earth, you're going to be overrun with animals, aru, here's some humans!"

And thus humans (and more pandas) came to be.

The seventh alien, Prussia, said, "Kesesesese, Earth, you're totally un-awesome! Here's some awesomeness!"

And then the Earth became… awesome?

The eighth alien, Germany, said, "Earth, mein bruder is stupid; you need something to control the awesomeness."

And so the Ten Orders were spoken.

The ninth alien, France, said, "Earth, you lack l'amour, allow me to give you the gift of love, onhonhon~."

And so love became known to the Earth.

The tenth alien, Russia, said, "Kolkolkol, Earth, your upper half is so boring. Let me give you something to make it better, da?"

And thus the Northern Lights (and vodka) existed.

The eleventh alien, Japan, said, "Earth, your humans are bored. Here is anime and other technorogy stuff."

And then anime and other technology stuff was given to the humans.

The twelfth alien, Romano, said, "Earth, you idiota! You're gonna go blind from staring at my fratello all day, you need to see something once in a while!"

And thus the moon and stars became visible.

And somewhere even farther away, the Lord of Time, Rome, sat watching the aliens making Earth a better place, smiling. And the Lord of Space, Germania, sat facepalming and betting how long it would take for them to blow themselves up.

THE TEN ORDERS:

Believe whatever you want, but don't be a dick about it.

Don't be like Prussia. Please.

You must not misuse the word 'awesome'.

Always be punctual and on time.

Be cool to your parents, they put up with you for 18+ years.

Feel free to seriously injure or maim someone, but murdering is going too far.

If you're going to cheat, just dump the person, seriously.

Stealing is just borrowing without asking, so feel free – but remember karma.

Don't lie unless absolutely necessary.

HumanxAnimal is just weird. Don't even go there.

And that is the true story of how the Earth came to be, as told by two teenage girls hyper on pocky at ungodly hours of the night.

* * *

><p>this is the first update on this is sooooooooo many months x_x<p>

aaaaaand it's about religion...

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME RELIGIOUS PEOPLE!

this was based on a drawing me and my friend Kaytlin started whilst doodling. I found a blotch of blue marker that had bled through onto another sheet of paper, and drew America puking it up. And it all went downhill from there...

review and don't hate us~!


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